What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on