She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
