I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
