I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
