this beer tastes like vomit already
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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