there's paper in my vomit.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
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Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
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all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
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