My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
