No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
