It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
