Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
