I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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