apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
