Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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