is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
