Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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