it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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