I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
