I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
That accounts for only three of the penises
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
