It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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