Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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