1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
