you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
