I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
