I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
