I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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