Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
