Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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