pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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