i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
