I need help removing her.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
