How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
