In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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