i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
