Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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