I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
