What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
