I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
