We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
