sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
