Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
