$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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