My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
