hotel room ftw
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
