I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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