The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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