her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
