I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
