either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
