You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
birth control should be required to get into college
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
