You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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