sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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