The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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