Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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