Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
