i love accidental penises.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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